What does it take to get an unmotivated, lazy, sometime writer and blogger back and doing work? If you answered quarantined during a global pandemic then you my friend are the winner. I am also going to take this moment to warn any new readers that this blog will be liberally sprinkled with vulgarity and political incorrectness so if that bothers you I will still love ya even if you stop reading. For the rest of you brave bastards let’s get down to business and try to have a chuckle today.
First of all, let me start by saying that I have no desire to see anyone sick or dying, I get it, I really do. I worry about my family and friends every day but I refuse to let this consume my every thought. For fuck’s sake I am stuck in this house trying to simulate a job that normally requires me to be on the road all day every day with my customers and now I have to pretend I am riveted to our two conference calls each day as my only human interaction. Am I an extrovert who enjoys being social? As a wise man once said, “Is Joe Biden senile?” I am partially crazy on a regular day but this quarantine has got me in a frame of mind that is potentially disturbing. I just feel that as a 50 year old man who hasn’t seen live sports in weeks I shouldn’t be making pretend wagers with myself on whether the robin family building their nest in the front yard tree are having relationship difficulties. For the record, I don’t know what Daddy Robin may have done but it appears momma IS NOT happy, expect them to have a joint Facebook account soon. Do you see my fucking point? Things just aren’t right around here and I blame the ‘Rona.
I know I am not the only one going stir crazy, there are many of us who are not made for being locked in the house staring at Pinterest looking for an exotic new way to cook a frozen pizza or a damn grilled cheese sandwich. Not to mention I have never watched a Netflix show in my life and I certainly don’t plan on starting because of the meth head tiger tamer that the rest of you sheeple are so fascinated with. I will stick with the important shit like My Pillow Guy coronavirus press conferences, now that’s good video and I assume very informational. See, once again I am more in danger from my own thoughts locked in this house than I ever was from the virus. I am not going to lie I have become fascinated with positioning my new landscape lighting and actually had a Facebook conversation about bird feeders today, if that’s not a cry for fucking help I don’t know what is. I am pretty sure I have not seen a CDC update yet with any sort of advice for stir crazy middle aged guys alone at home like me, where the hell is Dr Fauci when I need him? When I come out the other side of this at 350 pounds and my check liver light blinking I will be looking at you Mike Pence and your task force for leaving me behind. It will be the crazy folks like me that will be the silent victims of this epidemic but we shall overcome and be better in the end.
Well friends I am done ranting for today and I truly hope you all stay happy and safe and maybe get a smile from my ramblings. If you like it please share and comment, I would appreciate it. I appreciate all the support and the gentle cajoling that got me back to the keyboard, you are all awesome.