Given all of the recent drama revolving around the hacking of Sony Studios I feel compelled to offer up a brief suggestion to the hacking community. I am going to provide a small list of future targets in which you hacking them is actually a benefit to humanity. Now listen, I am not talking about destroying a corporation completely or ruining the world economy but just knocking some things off the grid for a while and making our lives better if only for a brief time.
1) Taco Bell — Why Taco Bell? Well, let’s think about this. Imagine the improvement in the overall gastrointestinal health of our planet if Taco Bell was a hacking victim. A drop in obesity as well as improved air quality due to the lessened levels of taco gas. Imagine the increased productivity at businesses everywhere when employees could actually come back to work after lunch and not have to make an immediate 30 minute trip to the restroom because that Burrito Supreme was about to make an unwelcome reappearance. Once again I see this as an overall win for everyone.
2) Who ever The Hell produces all of the ads for Viagra, Cialis, etc. Please hacker community do us a big favor here. We are in the heart of football season right now and you can’t even watch a game without getting visually assaulted by images of horned up seniors popping pills and ending up watching the sunset naked in separate bath tubs. Which leads me to another point, if you have taken your pill, spent an amazing day antiquing with your precious Ethel and now it is ahem, go time, shouldn’t both of you end up naked in the same bath tub if that was what you were going for? I doubt either one of you are as flexible as you used to be and that whole two bathtub thing has an emergency room visit written all over it.
3) Progressive Insurance — This one comes down to one freaking thing. Flo. I don’t want people to lose insurance coverage, not at all. I am just asking hackers out there to take old Flo out behind the cyber woodshed and slow her roll a little bit. No fictional commercial character should be dominating this much air time especially at that level of annoyance. The Budweiser Frogs think perhaps maybe Flo has gotten a little big for her britches and that’s saying something.
4) The New York Yankees — Oh man, nothing would be finer than a nice little cyber attack on Pinstripe Nation. Yankees website goes down, tickets become unavailable, mouth breathers in their mom’s basement can’t YouTube old Derek Jeter highlights. It couldn’t happen to a more deserving organization. No, I don’t want them run out of business and out of baseball but damn it would sure be funny to see ESPN try to do baseball coverage if they didn’t have the Yankees nuts to swing from for awhile.
Well, hopefully all of the gifted hackers out there will take this advice to heart and maybe try to do something positive with their powers. I mean blowing up the premiere of a horrendous Seth Rogen film is a start but all you did is turn into a political thing and piss everyone off. I am sure Miley Cyrus or Kesha are working on a new album, maybe move your focus there? Pretty please?
I was listening to talk radio the other day and the male host of the show was relaying the fact that he would be taking some time off soon for the upcoming Holiday season. He mentioned that he had been pretty excited about the idea of the time away. Unfortunately as he had talked with his wife about the upcoming hiatus he was informed that she was well aware of his vacation and she had begun working on “The List” for him for during his down time. Believe me when I tell you that there are not many things that a guy wants to see less than “The List.” Having to watch the Kardashians or the Bachelorette get honorable mention here but they are generally a temporary walk through hell compared to the death march of dealing with “The List.” Nothing will ruin the prospect of time off of work or a nice long weekend like being confronted with “The List.” Of course the list I am referring to is the always awful honey do list.
I do not know when the list first came into being. I am guessing at some point some ancient cave woman looked around the cave and saw her favorite caveman taking a nice nap on the floor after a long day of hunting and gathering and said to herself, “Awe, Hell no. This cave is a mess, I have a bison hide than needs to be skinned and tanned and the garden is in shambles. I am going to go get my stone tablet and chisel and make this guy a list.” Now here we are thousands of years later and the female species has learned to wield the honey do list like a modern day weapon of relaxation destruction. I am assuming there is a primitive instinct that has been finely honed since prehistoric times that activates in the female brain the moment the idea of relaxation has been mentioned by their mate.
To me the intriguing thing about “The List” is the complete one-sidedness of it. I am guessing at some point in history some guy thought he would be smart and go ahead and create a honey do list for his sweetie when she had a couple of days off. Fair is fair right? I am sure that is exactly what he was thinking right up until he found himself standing outside the cave with nothing but his loincloth and a bruise on his head from getting clobbered with a Brontosaurus bone. At no point since this first attempt has there ever been a documented case of a man getting away with presenting their beloved with “The List” and living to tell about it. During my research I had heard a rumor about a reclusive man living in the woods in Northern Maine who claimed to have successfully passed a list to his wife but alas, much like Sasquatch, I fear it was just a myth.
I guess the bottom line here is this. “The List” is here to stay. It contains some sort of ancient power that has lived through the ages and so far it has not been stopped. As guys I guess we will just have to deal with it and move forward. I fear that resistance will always be futile. Just as I cannot explain why anyone would listen to PitBull or Justin Bieber I have no answers for this problem. I had kicked around the idea of a guy only “List” support group but I felt that the guys would probably be too scared of reprisal back at home. So I guess we will quietly hide our pain and suffering much like our cave dwelling ancestors. The struggle is real folks. The struggle is real.
Alright everyone, this is the very bare bones introduction of my new blog. Please ignore the fact that there is not much to it, I am horrible with layout and design as well as technology in general. This one will not be exclusively sports related at all so hopefully it will have a more universal appeal. What I am hoping for is something funny, thought provoking and even newsworthy and interesting. I know we are all very busy with work, family and all sorts of obligations so instead of just relying on my own work I am asking all of my friends to feel free to contribute. Find a cool news link? Send it on over. A cool photo that you took or found? That will work to. I would love to see a group of folks sharing their creativity and intellect. I am going to either find someone or finally learn myself on how to make this thing visibly appealing and technologically correct. Consider that my New Years Resolution to all of you for 2015. I did mention sharing news and views but hopefully we can keep it from becoming some sort of crazy political or religious rant fest. As they say, “Ain’t nobody got time for that.” Anybody who loves to write and wants to practice their craft please feel free to use this platform. I may even throw in a monthly contest to spur along your creativity. Anyway, we are just getting started folks and I would truly love any ideas, comments and feedback that you have. So put on your thinking caps on and get those creative juices flowing, Hopefully this can be a fun and rewarding adventure for everyone. Of course you can also catch up with me on Facebook or on Twitter @Craiger211. Thank you everyone.