The Red Bullseye

The holiday season can frequently lead to pressure and stress and no more so then when it comes to picking out gifts. Not being able to find the perfect gift, the indecision of what to get someone (hello gift card) and fighting the hustle and bustle of the stores all add up to a pretty bad experience.  Occasionally we even find ourselves venturing into completely uncomfortable and unfamiliar territory during our holiday shopping.

I found myself in this situation this holiday when I was confronted with the fact that I needed a last minute gift while out shopping by myself and the most likely place to find it was going to be the local Target store.  You want to talk about terror?  Try being a guy out shopping and realizing that you have to walk into a Target store without a female guide?   I would have felt more comfortable trying to illegally cross the Pakistani border then walk into the private female cathedral known as Target.  They may as well as just hang a sign out front saying, “If you have a penis enter at your own risk.”  Uncomfortable?  Yep, in a watching Wolf of Wall Street with your mother in law sort of way.  As I pulled into the parking lot I realized that some of my last moments on earth could end up being the sight of some 30 something woman in an over sized SUV running me down in the parking lot while chatting on her phone and drinking a Starbucks latte.  I would be nothing more than a speed bump on the road to her salvation at female church of Target.

Once I safely made it through the parking lot and breached the perimeter defenses at the front door one thing dawned on me in Target.  Both the store and the female patrons are trying really hard to not be Wal Mart.  These ladies were not rocking ill fitting belly shirts and pajama pants that said, “Juicy” on the ass.  Oh no, they could have walked out of the store and straight into the nicest restaurant in town without missing a beat.  They were like carbon copied minions straight down to the leather boots and always present Starbucks cup.  I tried to avoid making any sort of contact and I think they barely noticed me as the combination of too much caffeine and overall Target euphoria had turned them into some sort of Milf Zombie horde.  I quietly crept through the store, raced through the express checkout and dove back into the parking lot amid the gleaming sheet metal of $40,000 SUV’s.   Like a Navy SEAL I clung to the shadows and worked my way back to my truck.  The Red Bullseye from the front of the store glowed menacingly at me as I pulled away and just as I was beginning to leave. I could have swore I heard the sound of security pursuing me out of the parking lot.  I will never be able to be sure but I swear I saw 13 women in North Face jackets chasing my car with torches and axes as I peeled off in to the night.  I had survived this round with the Bullseye but for how long?  What did they know?  Would they find me?

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