Hysterectomy Hijinks

Hysterectomy Hijinks

By

Craig Gist

 

 

I have heard it said that there are some lessons in life that you can only learn the hard way.  Last night, thanks to the pill-head hillbillies sharing a hospital suite with Rachel, we learned that the curtains that divide a hospital suite for privacy indeed do not stop the noises generated by a hastily performed blowjob.  As utterly disturbing as it was, later on in the night I did have to stop and wonder at the marvelous advances in modern medicine.  Of course we can’t cure Cancer yet but dammit we can give a woman a full hysterectomy and two hours into recovery she is willing and able to orally service her unemployed, no cash having, meth head of a boyfriend right in a shared hospital room.  I don’t know what kind of medicine she was given in her post op recovery but Viva Big Pharma!

I can tell you what else those curtains won’t protect you from when your room neighbors are a couple of cousin humpers from somewhere in Northern Michigan.  You find out real quick that when you have a funky little pill problem it’s ok to make out with your boyfriend when no one is looking but when any of the medical staff come in it is best to put on your most pained expression and act as if you are on death’s door so you can get more pills to hoard.  Also, when your charming boyfriend had to pay the outrageous sum of $2.25 for a slice of pizza in the cafeteria when it comes time to order your meals make sure you order enough for a small army so that never happens again.

Folks I can’t even make this shit up.  We also learned about what foods make the princess “farty” and listened in on a riveting phone conversation regarding the issues with her “pee hole.”  Unfortunately, the problems weren’t limited to health concerns however.  Apparently all was not well in the old home front either.  Apparently Prince Charming had allowed his ex and her new boyfriend to move back in with him but those lousy bastards had done used all of his coffee creamer without paying a dime for it.  Forced into action by this travesty my man was forced to steal all of the coffee out of the house to teach those free loaders a lesson.  It also appears that the arrival of the ex at his house has caused a bit of consternation for his new love interest as she did tell him during a fit of anger, “ Why don’t you just go back home and have some coffee with that bitch.”   Not only is there trouble at home but it appears the happy couple may have transportation issues as well.  There seemed to be a little confusion as to whether they had “borrowed” or maybe even stolen the $600 car that got them to the hospital.  Ownership rights aside, they also had run up on a little problem of having exactly zero money with them to buy any more gas for the vehicle to get them home.  They were really hoping the fumes they rolled in on was going to be enough to get them back up north.  Again, this is where things get a little murky.  Apparently our hero was given twenty dollars for the gas but he may or may not have spent it in on that slice of pizza, a latte (My man loves his coffee) and chewing tobacco.  Obviously not the wisest of decisions but what really chapped her ass was the fact that he didn’t leave her a “dip.”  I am not sure I have ever seen such a blatant lack of chivalry.  Fast forward to the end of the evening and our happy couple are snuggled in up in her hospital bed, because why wouldn’t you when the evil night shift nurse comes in to inform him he can’t spend the night in the room because it is a female only room.  Oh the humanity, what in the hell is our hero supposed to do?  Apparently you throw a hissy fit suitable for a 3 year old and explain all of the future back conditions he is sure to endure from sleeping on a couch in the waiting room (hey buddy, possibility of more pills, think it through)  or out in his car with no heat.  To his credit the nurse refused to budge and our man was forced out into the wilds of the hospital for the evening.  Luckily, this did allow Rachel and the other guest in the room the opportunity to relax but it really put a damper on the comedy relief for the evening.

I promise all of my readers that this stuff is actually true.  Hell, even my twisted imagination can’t make this stuff up.  I hope you enjoy and please read, share and comment and please follow me on twitter @craiger211.  Thank you.

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Flint unfiltered

The parking lot looks like a small, concrete wasteland.  Trash and empty liquor bottles litter the area.  In one corner an old pair of jeans and the remnants of someone’s hair weave lay discarded in a heap, apparently abandoned after a parking lot brawl.  The prevailing odor is the pungent smell of marijuana wafting through the air and the ground shakes to the pounding bass lines of the unintelligible music being blasted from the cars.  A barely clothed woman offers .99 cent cans of malt liquor on a tattered sign hanging in the window.  The desperation in the air is oppressive.