Friday night the lovely and talented Rachel and I were discussing the fact that due to the holidays and her recent surgery the condition of our house had reached the level we lovingly refer to as, “filthy trash pit.” Don’t get me wrong, we are not living in 3rd world squalor and we have a lovely home but let’s just say some of the corner dust bunnies appeared to be reproducing faster than regular rabbits. We went to bed Friday evening determined to attack the problem Saturday morning before we had to make a road trip to watch our son Tyler play in a basketball tournament that afternoon.
So let’s fast forward to Saturday morning shall we. They day dawned gray and rainy yet your hero (me) woke up determined to start attacking the situation at hand. A natural problem solver I started the operation with a large pot of coffee and a wasted 45 minutes cruising the Internet. While not very productive it did help me get focused and after the last of the coffee I found myself getting into the cupboard for the dusting supplies. My senses were laser focused as I walked into the battlefield (living room and computer room) and assessed the situation. It was truly worse than I imagined and I briefly considered throwing up the white flag and retreating back to the safety of my pillows and blankets. However, I recalled the heroic and inspirational line from Animal House when the toga party was being threatened and John Belushi rallied the troops with the famous phrase, ” Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? NOOO.” So, with steely resolve and an intimidating glare that would make Clint Eastwood proud I charged onto the field of battle.
I was slowly making my way through the project when I realized something was amiss. My wing woman, The Hall to my Oates, the Milli to my Vanilli was nowhere to be found. This can’t be right I thought, we both agreed that this house was mere seconds away from being condemned due to filth (slight author exaggeration) and yet I didn’t see or hear her tackling any projects. I wandered into the living room expecting to see a flurry of blonde haired ambition turning our home into a Better Homes and Gardens worthy showplace. Imagine my surprise when I looked into the room and a see a lovely blonde creature curled up on the couch with a blanket, a pillow and the dog and her book. I stood incredulously, dust towel in hand as I stared at her. She glanced at me from the couch and said, “Yeah, I’m just not feeling that great this morning.” I understood as we had both been battling a cold over the week but dammit it was time to power through and save this home from impending doom. I was walking over to the fireplace to continue dusting when I heard from the couch, “Hey, will you make sure to dust the window sills and stuff also?” I stopped, counted to three in my head, (they say you should do this before saying something you will regret) and looked at that beautiful face and said in my most blatantly sarcastic voice, “Sure sweetie, whatever you want.” Seeing that she is not just all beauty and no brains I could see she had caught on to the sarcasm. She looked at me and said, ” Well you know, you are kind of a half ass duster.” Boom, there it fucking was, the nuclear bomb had dropped. I stopped, still reeling from the comment. I was shocked, primarily because “half ass” or not I am the ONLY damn person in this house who dusts any fucking thing. Me, just me. No one else. The blonde ambition tour hates dusting, refuses to do it and as for the two boys, let’s just say I don’t know if 1/8 ass is a word but it would accurately describe their effort at doing chores. I had to ask myself, self, would you prefer a half ass dusting job or a no ass dusting job? It’s like asking if I would rather have half a pitcher of beer or no pitcher of beer. Pretty easy choice right?
After regaining my senses I decided that this heinous attack from the blonde has actually inspired me towards a new business venture. I am gonna call it “Half Ass House Cleaning.” That’s right, if you need your laundry washed and only partially dried, I am your man. Vacuum half the floors?, I got that shit. Want half of those dirty dishes done?, psssshhh that’s child’s play for me. Normally I would say that if life gives you lemons do a shot of tequila but in this case I am going to take this harsh and uncalled for attack on my person as a way to a better life. I have a feeling there is going to be huge demand for my services so make sure to call me at 1-800-half – ass to schedule your service.
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