First of all I want to thank you for taking time out of your busy day to come visit the new online campaign headquarters for the Craig for President movement. As you know, I just announced my candidacy yesterday so as of right now campaign donations are pretty light and as of right now I have raised exactly .42 cents that I found in the dryer last night doing laundry. So, until things really get moving I will continue to use this free platform to keep you abreast of the campaign. You can be sure there is no greater Washington outsider than this guy and Lord knows by looking at my 401k balance that Wall Street doesn’t even know I exist so this campaign will be completely transparent in our financial dealings. Alright, enough of that, let’s get down to some issues.
National Defense — This is a big one and everyone has a right to be concerned. Here are my thoughts, if we learned nothing else in the Super Bowl other than Peyton Manning sucks we learned a great defense can be enough to lead you to a championship. As it just so happens Super Bowl MVP and superstar linebacker Von Miller is a free agent this year and my idea is to hire him as Secretary of Defense. Now I know he doesn’t come from a traditional military background but frankly, who gives a shit. We just explain the world to him like this. All those ISIS bastards and crazy ass Iranians and North Koreans are basically like quarterbacks looking to scramble for a 1st down. Once they step outside the safety of their pocket protection he basically has free reign to go after them in a seek and destroy mission much like he did to Cam Newton and Tom Brady in the playoffs. He is going to be pricier than you average military man since he is looking at probably making 10 million or so a year in the NFL so we will just have to build like one less fighter jet each year to afford him. I think it’s worth it.
The Budget– I am no accountant, I barely passed that class at any level in which I took it and Mr Dave Young, former teacher and A.D. at Davison High can attest to that but I do know a few things about balancing a budget. At the core it’s quite simple, don’t buy a bunch of shit you can’t afford. Simple, right? For the last 4 or 5 years I have tormented the lovely and talented Rachel with all of my grand plans for wanting things like a beach house in Key West, a Ferrari and most of all a helicopter. After she gets done rolling her eyes she often gets quite animated in explaining that all of those things sound wonderful however our lucrative two income budget involves the salary of a government worker and a kindergarten teacher. My parents always referred to this as having champagne taste on a PBR budget well folks the harsh reality is our government agencies better get good and damn ready to start enjoying the taste of PBR under my presidency. If you are some ding dong governor in Alaska looking for federal cash to build a bridge to nowhere you better look somewhere else that bottle Dom Perignon is not coming out of the fridge.
Homeland Security — Again, I am no expert in the field of terrorist tracking or anything of the like. However, what I am is a dad and future husband and owner of a little piece of property here on lovely Valley Vista. I think everything I need to know about protecting ourselves can be learned by watching my idiot dog. We have no fancy security system around here because we have the Princess Puppy. Why is she so successful at protecting us? Because she barks at every fucking thing that moves. Mailman, UPS guy, stray leaf it doesn’t fucking matter. So that’s how we will protect our country. We will “bark” at everything, it will be a little annoying for those of just going about our business like my poor neighborhood mailman but you know what we have a better chance of finding the assholes out there that want to do us harm if we are constantly looking out the front window barking at everything.