Fitness Follies – The aftermath

Alright friends, last week I took a moment to share my hopeless attempt at going to the gym and doing this thing that much thinner people call “Working Out.”  I promise that I will not bore you all the time with reports from Death Row but many people have asked for a brief update on how this first week went.  I wasn’t even going to bother but you know what? I will take one for the team and give you a view from those of us with body fat higher than the National Debt and who’s idea of fitness is “I’m gonna fitness this Steak and Cheese up in my face.”

As I mentioned in the previous post, I had no fucking idea how anything in a gym even works, if you would have dropped me in a jungle in Nigeria I probably would have been as comfortable as I was walking into this hellhole.  I am not gonna lie, it was as intimidating as Hell.  However, a funny thing happened those first couple days, even though I almost got ejected off of an elliptical like Goose getting killed in Top Gun no one blatantly laughed at me.  Put it this way, I am the guy that was so scared of a damn treadmill that I put it on turtle speed and still hung on to the safety bars.   Apparently, my fat ass making a mockery of myself really didn’t affect those 2% body fat bastards who were too busy staring at themselves in the mirror to even acknowledge my impending death.

This is the point where I want to make a couple of observations regarding the folks at the gym, they actually seem to be ok people, deranged lunatics trying to kill themselves but still nice.  Being a judgmental bastard myself I started putting labels on some of these people.

#1 This person shall be named “What do you mean there are only mirrors on three of the walls” person.  I understand that mirrors are there so you can look and make sure that you are killing yourself properly, I get it.  But are they really there so you can check that your ass looks sweet in your yoga pants or that you look like Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as you just aimlessly walk around with a 700 pound dumbbell in your hand?  I know one thing, I personally find places to work out where there is zero chance I get a glimpse of myself.

#2 “The Social Chairman” I am not gonna lie, this guy may be a hero and my spirit animal.  From what I can gather his only purpose is to put on $200 worth of Nike workout gear and then just walk through the gym talking to people about his family, his upcoming vacation to Florida or any other random topic.  If a person can lose calories from running their mouth this dude is fucking Usain Bolt.  He is hero to all of us.

#3 I am going to name this fella “Way to comfy being naked in the locker room guy.”  I get it, it’s a locker room, there is gonna be nudity.  That’s absolutely fine to a degree but do we really have to stand around the locker room buck naked and discuss Middle Eastern peace problems, Tigers Spring Training and the Federal Reserve?  Come on dude, it’s hard to take your opinions seriously when you are in there pontificating in your birthday suit.

Bottom line here is I actually did hit the gym 6 of the last 8 days and the scary thing is I can actually see a difference.  No, I am not bench pressing a Silverado or running a marathon but there is a difference.  I went from literally being able to do the elliptical for 60 seconds without stopping to doing 6 minutes effortlessly.  I have upped weight and reps on other machines as well.  Obviously, I write all of this in good fun but for those of you sitting on the fence about giving it a try, just know this, it freaking sucks.  There is no fun (other than people watching) and the pain is a real fucking thing.  However, my friends, I plan on continuing and I hope you will all be ready to purchase my 2018 glamour calendar entitled “ The Men of The Lottery Commission.”


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