The Grocery Store Diaries

Good evening my fine readers I hope that this Wednesday finds you all feeling incredibly happy, healthy and wise.  If not, I hope you at least have copious amounts of alcohol available to get you through the rest of your day.  As you know my recent blogs have been primarily focused on my descent into workout and healthy eating hell and I want you to know that the pain and suffering continue unabated.  There is literally zero reward for this bullshit yet I continue to give it a mostly half ass effort so that occasionally someone may look at me and say, “Wow, you look a little less fat than you used to.  Good for you.”  In order to not bore my friends and fans with another tale of fitness terror I decided that this evening I was going to pen a blurb that I think everyone can relate to, the always dreaded trip to the grocery store.  Over the last few trips to our local superstore I have noticed a few things that I just feel have to be mentioned for the benefit of society.

Let us begin by discussing the glaring difference in how both the male and female species attack a trip to the store.  I am absolutely mesmerized by the female ability to turn a 6 item trip to Meijer into a 2 ½ hour shopping vacation.  Understand, if I am sent to the store to pick up 4 or 5 items guess what I am going to come home with?  Those fucking items.  You know what my agenda is?  Getting the hell out of the store in the shortest amount of time possible.  I watch these lovely ladies strolling down each and every aisle, sipping Tim Hortons, chatting away with the complete strangers and I think to myself, do you not have homes?  Are your children so badly behaved that you are hiding in the pasta aisle for 40 minutes even though nothing in that aisle was on your list?  Meanwhile I am sprinting through the store like Usain Bolt hoping to God I don’t make eye contact with anyone I may know.

I would now like to continue my rant by calling out a few people in the store that are definitely on my “they deserve a throat punch” list.   Let’s start with the evil beast that we shall refer to as the “How about I hog the whole damn aisle” person.  This toolbox is the person who will park the cart right in the middle of the aisle and then shop on both sides while completely impeding traffic from both directions as if they were the only fucking person trying to shop.  A close relative to this heinous monster is the shopper that treats the trip to the store as a giant social event.  Stopping in the aisle to chat with everyone, asking stupid ass questions to the workers stocking the store and generally just being a menace.  Listen here Barbara, this isn’t fucking Happy Hour at TGIF Fridays, how about you skip your happy ass down the aisle and save the idle chit chat for a different time, some of us just want taco seasoning and to go the fuck home.  While I am on the topic of grocery store chatting can I please send a public service message to all of the hard working cashiers out there?  Do me a solid and for the love of God please stop with your attempts at witty banter and heartfelt family stories in the checkout line.  I am going to be honest here, I don’t give a frog’s fat ass that your family also tried the Havarti cheese I picked out or that you think my shoes are cool or you wish you could steal one of the beers I am buying because you have had a long day.  I appreciate the work you do, I honestly do, but a simple, “Did you find everything you need?”  Along with a nice “Please and thank you” will get our asses out of the store faster which is really the end goal here.  I will now save my last throat punch for what has become an epidemic at our local stores.  Of course I am referring to the shopper that shall be named, “Completely incapable of using a self checkout” person.  Let me give it to you straight, if you have 326 items with 48 coupons, 9 bottle return slips and 7 rainchecks please do us all a favor and go through a fucking line with a cashier.  If you don’t know what a UPC code is, go find a line with a cashier.  And I beg you, if you are just technologically averse please go find the line with the eager cashier who would love to chat with you about that awesome brand of kitty litter you purchased.

OK folks, my rant is over as I think this is long enough but rest assured my keen observation skills will continue as we continue to fight the good fight towards more productive shopping.  Thanks for reading and please feel free to comment and share.


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