As we turn the page into October, the signs of the fall season in Michigan are all around us. We have football, leaves changing and the ever shortening daylight each day. However, none of these scream out fall as much as the changing social media posts of all the lovely females. After days of scientific research I think I have firmly established the seasonal posting pattern of the Femalus Basicus (my own technical term). Let’s break it down shall we?
Summer time social media posts for our lady friends revolve around a few core issues that must be followed.
- Toes – Pictures of their toes must be posted any time those bare feet are let loose. At the beach, by the pool, in a lounge chair. It doesn’t matter. A sunny July day in Michigan means I am going to see more hooves than if I lived at a horse farm.
- Water – A close relative of the toe post. The water picture is absolutely crucial to female social media status. Ocean, lake, pool, pond, fucking mud puddle. It doesn’t matter. If there is water near we must photograph it and proclaim how amazingly relaxing and soothing it is.
- Detroit Tigers fandom – From roughly April until football season we are treated to repeated posts proclaiming the love of “their” boys. Listen, being a fan is great but let’s be honest here, when the girls are screaming “Tiger fan” what they are really saying is “I want to get stadium sunburned drinking $11 Miller Lites and looking at 25 year old boys in tight white pants.” You are not fooling anyone cougar nation.
- Boobs – Perhaps my favorite topic, summer posting would not be complete without some tastefully done photos highlighting the “girls.” Bathing suit boobs, tank top boobs and low cut top boobs, making sure to get just the right cleavage photo while maintaining your unskankiness is becoming an art form. Keep on keeping on girls, you won’t hear complaining from us.
Let’s now forward ourselves to our current Fall season and check out what content the ladies are providing us now.
- Pumpkin Spice everything – Truth be told, in the world of Femalus Basicus, Fall just doesn’t even exist without pumpkin spice. Coffee, candles, windshield wiper fluid it better be pumpkin spice or it’s not happening at all.
- Boots and Leggings – Again, Fall is merely a suggestion until the leggings and Uggs come out. 72 in October? Who gives a shit, here come the leggings and boots.
- Apple Orchard – Deep inside the girls know that the trip to the orchard for cider and donuts is really a slow death march through Dante’s 9 rings of Hell that no one really wants to attend. Dry donuts, overpriced juice and kids that would rather chew their own arm off than be there is an absolute must to be posted along with the obligatory family photo showing fake smiles masking the boredom.
- Football – Of course sports are huge in the fall and in Michigan it comes down to a basic question, are you a Wolverine or a Spartan? Tiger gear gets put away and out comes the hoodie of choice for your favorite team. Facebook profile pics get highlighted in green or blue and although most of the girls wouldn’t know a screen pass from a screen door you can bet your ass Saturday means beer, chili and some pigskin (this means football girls).
I hope you guys enjoyed the post and it’s nice to be back having some fun again. Just remember no one loves the Basic Bitch as much as this guy, so just take it for the fun it was meant to be. Please comment and share please, I appreciate the support.